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Do you have a season of grief? It’s very common.
October 6 was Whitten’s birthday. He would be 39 years old. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed. In some ways I am much more adjusted to his loss, and in some ways I am exactly the same.
For a while there, many of the people that I came in contact with, had no idea he ever lived. It still happens. A brutal truth.
People talk about there being seasons of life and say that they are “in this season or that season.” And much of the time, the season will pass and something happier or better will come up. I guess we are out of the soul crushing grief season the first few years after his death.
But I have come to realize that many people have seasons of grief. Times when there are so many reminders of who and what is missing, that it just becomes a full season.
Fall is my season of grief. It begins with my birthday in late September, followed by Whitten’s birthday a week later. Then comes my Dad’s birthday, 5 days later my late brother’s birthday, 5 days later Whitten’s anniversary, and then 5 days later Christmas. Two days later was Whitten’s funeral and 2 days later is Chip’s late sister’s birthday. It’s as though you barely catch your breath and the next one arrives.
From Instagram - @witanddelight_
I start thinking about things in late August when I get all the supplies for our Kindness cards. (below)
When we start to get a chilly morning here and there, I become melancholy and then around my birthday I realize why. My heart knows it before my head registers it. Even though I know it’s coming, it surprises me when I feel it.
Most of the time it’s just a quiet presence under the surface. And then it kicks in for real when the holiday commercials start.
Taken by Julie Zickafoose - Ohio
Every year before his birthday I work on our Random Acts of Kindness project. They are mailed out at the end of September. The list has grown to over 200 people who receive them. Who knows how long I will continue to do it? Maybe I will stop at 15 years. That would be next year. Maybe I will continue until 20 years.
I think maybe we will spend our lives wanting to get back to the feeling of life when we had him here, but we know that we can’t. I can tell ya, it’s just hell when you’ve lost the center of your world.
As Sybil put it so well in her letter to Joan Didion in The Correspondent…
“I wish I could say after all this time that it’s easier, but it’s not easier. I do have longer stretches, though, when (he) doesn’t come to mind, and that is a relief, I suppose. This time of year, though with the trees fully bare and the leaves collecting into drifts….the expanse of now through to the end of the holidays is abhorrent to me. I hold my breath and wait for January.”
I remember the last time we saw him. He came down for my dad’s 80th birthday.
I remember the last time we texted. We were talking about what he was going to give Chip for Christmas.
A Christmas special was on TV in the background when we got the call.
Memories nobody should have, but so many do.
Taken by Whitten - Va Beach - December 2005
Society tells us that we should work through it until we reach a place when we feel fine, if not a little sad sometimes. If we never get there, well then we just didn’t work hard enough.
It ebbs and flows. And if flows harder and faster for me in the fall.
Guidelines for getting through your season…
The goal isn’t to get through the season without feeling it. You want to make it gentler on yourself so it doesn’t consume all your time.
Probably the most important one is to give yourself permission to do less. Don’t expect yourself to function at your usual level - tough to do if it’s the holidays. I usually have less energy, less interest in small talk, less follow through and less ability to concentrate.
Lighten your schedule
Put off non-essential stuff
Say no without explanation - if they know you, they know…
Things can be a little less perfect around the house
I did the opposite for years about 5-6 years - what started as a gathering to remember Whitten, turned into a huge Christmas party with a house full of people on his anniversary. I killed myself to do it all by myself, on purpose. The idea was to be all consumed with it and then be so exhausted, I was out of it for Christmas. Probably not the best approach…..
Don’t let the anticipation of these days steal all your time. It’s called “anticipatory grief” and it’s like you are rehearsing the day before it gets here. Just enjoy your time, day be day.
Decide in advance how you want to handle the days. Different dates bring different feelings. You might want a quiet day to yourself, a remembrance day, a distraction day, or a combination of the them. I have done all three.
Create a small ritual. Nothing elaborate. You may do it one year and skip it another. There are no rules.
Use your body to calm your mind. Make sure you are eating and sleeping as best you can. Get outside and get some exercise.
Let yourself have a good cry if you want to. Honestly it is good to let it out - a 5 minute “sobbing” really helps.
Be careful about isolating yourself but don’t force yourself to do things. Play it by ear. Your friends and family should get it.
Don’t judge yourself - grief and joy can exist at once. If you have fun, that’s ok and if you have a really bad day, that’s ok too. It doesn’t erase your progress.
Place a few small things in between the dates to give yourself things to look forward to. It can be as small as a favorite show, a good book or a new puzzle.
If you have a grief counselor, lean on him/her during this time. They are especially helpful when you need to talk, but would rather not get into it with family and friends.
Keep in mind, you can miss someone terribly and still take care of yourself. You can honor who/what you have lost without making moment or day painful. And just because you were ok last week, doesn’t mean you have to be ok this week.
Do you have a season of grief? If so, when is yours?
Here is my lovely autumn playlist - sorta melancholy and moody but I love it.
The last time we saw Whitten
I am thinking of any of you who also carry this burden. My thoughts are with any of you who consider this your season of grief as well. 🩵
