Aging Parents & Dementia
Daddy’s 89th.
Every single one of us that is lucky enough to still have our parents, is dealing with one or both of these issues. Helping your aging parents to maintain their lifestyle and happiness is not always an easy task. If you are a worrier like me, you can fret over them as much or more than you actually help them!
If they are over 85, (even if they are healthy, still driving and maintaining a home and property) chances are they need some help with things. Most of what they need help with, is technology related…their cell phones, the television, Amazon Prime, email, online banking, etc. (Hell - I need help with that stuff…)
If they are older than that and are NOT healthy, driving, etc., then they definitely need help. Chances are, it’s you and your siblings that are helping out. And if you are out of town, you are managing that long distance. But you do it with love - they raised you and took care of you for years and years. And probably have been helping you throughout your whole life.
I have found with my own parents - who are 88 and 90, and extremely resilient and self reliant - that they would rather not ask for help if they can help it. My mom and dad are still in their home of 50 years, which has second floor bedrooms and extensive landscaping on the property to tend. They have drivers several days a week, as they have stopped driving. My mom has chronic pain and she is on a walker. She has a tough time but she is a trooper. Up until recently, my dad was very healthy overall - he takes very little medicine for anything. He was the healthy one and would help her around the house and do lots of chores and tasks.
Me, my brother Miles and Mom
Now that has changed. Dementia has entered the picture.
About a year ago, he stood in the kitchen and thought he was in a hotel room. And it has progressively gotten worse. He typically thinks he’s somewhere else, when he’s in his house. And is constantly asking for a ride home. We try to tell him without arguing (a no-no), that he is home, to no avail. It’s heartbreaking. Does he think we just won’t take him home?
He still knows who we all are for the most part, and he can accomplish daily personal tasks. But we can see deterioration little by little. He doesn’t see nor hear well, and that doesn’t help the situation.
We waited five months for him to see a neurologist to have a workup done. She conducted a cognitive test and that was that. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Whaaat???!!!
What’s the difference in Alzheimer's and dementia? His father, my grandfather, had dementia when he was in his 90’s, so we were not shocked. But Alzheimer’s?
Turns out, Alzheimer’s disease is a degenerative brain disease and the most common form of dementia. Dementia is not a specific disease. It's an overall term that describes a group of symptoms. There are 55 million people in the US living with dementia. By 2050 there will be 153 million people living with dementia worldwide - triple the rates in 2019.
There is no cure for dementia and certainly not for Alzheimer’s. There are lifestyle tips that, research shows, might slow or prevent it. There are medications on the market, but none that slow it down or help in any meaningful way.
Now our family needs to figure out if they move, as planned, to the independent/assisted living community nearby, and have help with meals, cleaning and access to an array of resources? Or will this further confuse him and make him take a turn for the worse, putting him in a memory care unit sooner? Do they stay in the house and end up with the management and expense of its’ continued maintenance and of round-the-clock care?
I have been told that he would do better staying with my mom for as long as possible. I fully agree. We are all trying to help them figure it out.
Dad on the boat with Friday last summer. Dad’s in his work clothes and Friday’s in his life vest.
How many families are grappling with this? Are you one of them? I have several friends that have/are dealt with/dealing with this in their own families. They have given me really insightful advice. Below is some of the advice I have gotten from these friends…
Love them through it. “The ability to recognize and respond to love never really goes away. Hug them, laugh and comfort them. I think that’s the greatest thing I learned - love is elemental to our existence no matter our cognitive abilities.”
Don’t challenge their beliefs. “There’s no point in correcting someone with Alzheimer’s. Just play along because it’s easier on them. If your loved one doesn’t recognize you, then give a really simple explanation. You can be a person who came to help out.”
Talk about the old days - their childhood and their parents. In some ways they become children again.
Play music that they will recognize. Even simple songs from their childhood. Music is processed by the brain in a different way. “My mom sang all the words to “A Bicycle Built for Two” when she couldn’t actually speak clearly anymore.”
Be open to small miracles because you will see them.
The family member who is the caretaker needs relief whenever possible. They have the hardest job.
Do anything to stimulate their brain. Read to them, dance with them.
Take animals and children to visit. “Just giving them the sense of love and the gentle touch will make them happy.”
Try to stay calm - they will pick up on your anxiety.
“We always made certain dad felt self worth. Dementia patients tend to fidget with their hands so we tried to keep his hands busy and this kept him happy and he felt like he was contributing.” (Their are products you can get to help with this.)
Guide the conversation, help with words and thoughts. You can say “tell me more about…”
Patience! The little things don’t matter - pick your battles.
“Sometimes I didn't have to do ANYTHING except be in the room...just sit, hold hands and watch bad tv!”
More, shorter visits are better than fewer, longer ones!
“I brought dad over to my house a lot and told him I needed his help! I made a list of activities for us to do to make him feel important and happy to be helping me! :) This also gave mom a much needed break. He loved to run errands with me.”
Don't ask questions! - you can give two choices, but never more than two. “Dad would get frustrated and stressed if he didn't have the answer. It's just easier to not ask questions.”
Never talk about him like he is not in the room and never talk for him….just guide the conversation. TRY not to lose composure, but never talk for him.
Don’t rush them. They aren't on a clock like we are...which is so hard to keep in mind.
Don’t argue! Make conversations a win-win.
Don't stimulate her too much or she will get overwhelmed and agitated.
“Always Bring Joy!”
Resources…
The Alzheimer’s Association - an excellent resource for every aspect of the disease and how to manage it.
BeLightCare.com and the great instagram feed that goes along with it. Tons of information and resources on the site, and the instagram feed has wonderful tips, ideas, products and gift ideas.
Naborforce - this is the company that mom and dad are using to drive them and to walk with dad and visit. So far they have been great. they are mainly on the East Coast, but are growing to other areas. They are pairing retirees with the elderly that need help. A great concept!
I will cite this article again, discussing “the big three” ways to keep from significant cognitive decline as you get older. You guessed it - diet, exercise and sleep.
Uncle Harrison (96), Aunt Betty Grey (93) and Daddy (90) on his birthday. He is the youngest.
If you are dealing with this in your own family, please join in the discussion below.