Helping A Friend With Depression

I read a piece in the NYT in early February about this. I knew I would write about it at some point. Since we are awash in stories about people like the writers’ friend and my son, I thought I might suggest ways to help a friend in despair. There is a lot of despair these days. Some of us are well-equipped to handle it. Some are not.

I didn’t know enough about it when Whitten was dealing with it - I just did the best I could. Some things I did, were very good, and some - not so much. I was in a unique position to try and help him - I knew intimately a lot of what he was feeling. I just didn’t know the right things to say. I was reading about it and learning to be better, at the time. But I know so much more now. Of course now I know that I could’ve said the perfect things daily, and that might not have prevented anything.

Amy Crockett - Rappahannock River - Instagram

What does it feel like to be in despair? What goes through your mind? I’ll tell you - you can be doing the most wonderful things with your favorite people but you can’t enjoy it. It’s like the loss of all pleasure. The journalist Sally Brampton called depression a landscape that is “cold and black and empty”. Many friends do not understand the seriousness of a situation like this and are hopeful things will all work out. When I did worry about Whitten, I had friends and family that would “poo poo” me - “he’ll be fine”.

That was because they didn’t know how it felt. I did. It’s not just sorrow, as philosophers Whitely and Birch have written. “It is a state of consciousness that distorts perceptions of time, space and self.” The columnist Mike Gerson said it was “ a malfunction of the instrument we use to determine reality.”

That’s the depression talking. Depression is made up of vicious voices in the mind, usually spewing out nasty thoughts like “you are a burden, you’re not doing anything useful and no one would miss you.” Depression pretty much creates a different person.

Kieran Maher - Sunset Kamala Beach, Phuket

Let’s talk about how to help someone who deals with this clinically or is having a situational bout with it.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to advise them out of it. Lots of times, the person doesn’t need ideas of what to do - they lack the energy or desire to do the things that will help. When you give a depressed person advice on how to get better, chances are you are just telling them that you just don’t get it. You are minimizing their pain. Show them that you are trying to understand what they are enduring. Let them share and be seen.
Believe it or not, it’s not great to try to “positively reframe” things - this is when you remind them of all their blessings in their life and all the great things they enjoy. This can make them feel even worse about themselves, for not being able to enjoy these things or for not being grateful enough. It’s sort of like the “toxic positivity” that doesn’t work with grief. This can backfire with depression too.

Don’t try to cheer the person up. All they want, similarly with grief, is for the reality of the situation to be acknowledged. To be heard, respected and loved. Show them that you haven’t given up on them and that you haven’t walked away. It’s hard not to walk away from someone who is a downer. We are told all the time to be with people who bring sunshine to your life and lift you up. Don’t walk away from someone because they can’t. “True friendship offers deep satisfactions, but it also imposes vulnerabilities and obligations, and to pretend it doesn’t, is to devalue friendship.”…Nat Eddy
Small niceties are so so helpful. Little notes, emails, delivered treats etc are really helpful. They say “I’m here for you. No need to respond.”

Understand that the mental healthcare system is still in the dark about what causes this and how to treat it. The field is woefully underfunded. Much of the medication out there just doesn’t work. People usually deal with haphazard treatments and lots of disappointment. It is exhausting for the patient or his/her family to be their own advocate, when they are already crippled. As I have said before, Whitten was on meds and seeing a therapist when he died.
It’s ok to ask about suicide. You’re not putting the idea into their head. Most of the time, it’s already on their mind and they should be getting help if they are not.
15 Things To Say To Someone Who Has Depression

Jinny Khanduja - Chebeague Island Inn, Maine - Instagram

A person in despair has a hard time imagining a time when things will be better. And lots of times they are convinced that by leaving, they will end any hardship they have caused anyone. (After living in the debris of what is left behind, and I can tell you, that thought is wrong. But the voices are telling them a different story.)

Recently when I was having a bad day, after a particularly hard Mother’s Day, I told a friend I was having trouble seeing hope and feeling joy. She was lovely and helpful and dutifully listened.

Afterwards, I was having a talk with my little dog Friday. I looked at him and said “You know what Fri Fri? Mommy has to find hope and joy in herself.”

And that’s what I will try to do.